Let me give you an introduction of what is currently my live-in boyfriend. I fell in love with his when we were friends. I was 18, he was 26. I thought he was the most calm, cool and outgoing guy that I had met and he liked to do things with me. Flash-forward 5 years later. I have a guy who leaves me alone at night to go get coked up with his dad and his loser friends. A guy who has bought me flowers maybe twice. A guy, who in the last two years, doesn’t bother to buy me a birthday present. And buys me a minimal xmas gift. And its not just about the gifts but the effort that goes into them. If I don’t have money, I get a fucking credit card to get him something. That’s what love is. Showing effort. His excuse is that he pays rent and my 120 dollar insurance. Well I pay electric, groceries, phones and whatever our apartment needs. There should be no excuse. He’s so into his drug game that I cant even get him to come home by crying to him or telling him I need to go to the E.R. I sleep alone where he spends most the night watching TV in another room. You might ask why the hell I don’t leave. Well first of all, I’m old school. I’ve always thought about making things work no matter what. That’s love. But shit this is hard. Why is he like that with me? Then he suckers me back with a nice weekend… I’m over it. I have to set a better example to my sisters. This isn’t the father I’d want my children to have one day. Grow up, you son of a bitch!!!!!!!!
Friday, January 18, 2013
So I’m sick in bed, I call him, and he’s out with his coke-head of a father. He gets home at almost three in the morning and tells me he’s a grown ass man and can do what he pleases. Is that what it comes down to? This whole “not telling him anything” idea is stupid. And I hate myself every day for moving in with such a selfish son of a bitch. This blog is now, how to get out of an unhealthy relationship.
at 2:19 PM
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
So I had a dream about some guy that I never really talk to. He's the type I would wave hi to from afar if I would run into him. But the strangest thing... he wrote me a message this morning. What the hell?!! You know what that means... I'll be reading up on dreams ALL day today. By the way, I had to skip out on school this semester, no money. :( Im really bummed about it but things happen for a reason. Time to save!
at 6:44 AM
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Well, I guess we didnt die. Not disappointed, but I don't like being wrong. I guess in this case it was okay. Anyway, I did feel some sort of change though. And it feels good. I had a choice New Years Eve. I could go out with friends and have a fabulous time, or stay home and work things out with Rocky. Big shocker, I stayed home. We talked, him mainly. We cried, me mainly. We drank and smoked some hookah and we made up. Don't know how long that will last but we shall see. Well with the New Year, I came up with new resolutions. I'm having difficulty sticking to some but it's progressing hopefully Here they are: 1. Lose at lease 15 pounds. (thats been my hardest, considering Ive been eating breakfst burritos almost every day) 2. Work out at least 30 mins a day. (again, hard. I've been putting in about 11 hour work hours since Friday!) 3. Talk less about my personal life. ( I've come to the conclusion that nobody really cares, and if they do, it should really stay between Rocky and I. Luckily, nobody reads this) 4. Pay my car off. (I've got about 6500 to go!) 5. Save for Tulum, MX. ( I really need to start vacationing. This place is perfect. White sand beaches, Mayan ruins, affordable. It's a mini paradise.) 6. Get hair extensions. (This last hair cut is not gonna work...) 7. Save at least 5,000. (crossing fingers) 8. Visit parents at least once a week. ( I know I get busy with my personal life, but I cant forget my parents. They're my everything.) 9. Drink less. ( less regrets and less calories.) 10. Wake up at 6:30 am for work. ( I need to maybe squeeze in a good breakfast) 11. Pay Cards off.. 12. Don't bad mouth people. ( treat others like i wanna be treated) 13. Read two books a month. (I miss reading) 14. Go to a concert. 15. Take a trip to Austin. 16.Blog at least once a week. 17. Don't spend more than 60 dollars on material things. (kinda hard to spend anything at all right now) 18. No cutting hair! ( please grow already) 19. Church once a month. ( at least) 20.Cook at least twice a week. (gets hard with work and school.)
at 8:11 AM
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Maybe that's why he wrote her he thinks of her. He can't even have a conversation with me. Why are we together, what are we trying to prove? There's nothing there. I don't excite him and he doesn't excite me. Nothing but the chase...
at 7:29 PM
Thursday, December 20, 2012
On my previous blog, I mentioned how I no longer see tomorrow as our "doomsday" but rather our "new beginning". But just to be on the safe side (ha!) I was thinking what the best way to spend my last evening would be. I thought of making a nice dinner with Rocky and having some wine, but changed it. There could be no better way to spend tonight than to go visit my parents and have dinner with them. Nothing better than being surrounded by the people you love and feeling that warmth. Hope to write again!
at 1:03 PM
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
This whole year, the thought of the world ending has been driving me crazy anxiety and fear. My plan the night before the 21st, I was plannin on downing a Xanax to sleep through the whole evening. Now, I'm excited. The Mayans predicted it to be a day that a cycle in Earth events ends, and I think I had it wrong. The ending of something means the beginning of something that could be new and exciting. An opportunity to start things over and let go of what used to be. I now see it as my beginning. I was afraid of this new hair cut that I just got because it was a tad short for my liking, but it was the most amazing blessing. It turned into a way to turn my rationalize what is going on with me. I've been so consumened in things that have been weighing me down. I've been making mistakes I know better than to make and it's been stupid. Chopping off my hair at the same time as this worldly transition occurs is a miracle to me. I got rid of the dead ends on my strands, as I plant to get rid of all the dead weight in my life from now. It just makes my life ugly, as the dead ends did my hair. I buffed up my face and cleansed out my pores from the makeup and dirt. As I plan to cleanse my life from the fake and the dirty. I shaved off my unwanted hair as I plan to shave off things that I dont want anymore. If I worry so much about my appearance, doesn't it make sense to worry about my well-being also? What an idiot i've been! But what a genious I am now. Time to worry about myself and stop putting other people and things first. If we were to die this weekend, I definitely wouldn't be satisfied with the life I've made for myself. Bring on the 21st!!!!!
at 6:31 PM