Female expectations

It's nearly impossible to look in the mirror nowadays and not find something that brings our self- esteem down. I sometimes read magazines or online articles about a model/ celebrity that “found herself” and “no longer care what people think” because “ i love my body”- and I call bullshit. 

If that were the case, why are you filtering? Why are you talking about it? Why are you making us think about it? Why do i read this bullshit?

Because at the end of the day, we are women. We are competitive. It’s in our nature. When you see everyone around you start looking beautifully enhanced and fit in to the beauty mold, it’s hard not to fall in to the temptation. It’s hard to see your unfiltered face when everyone else is filtered.

How can we not bring ourselves down when there’s pictures and videos of barely-dressed women all over the internet. We turn our phones on, and there's another Instagram model flaunting her cellulite-free ass on our screens. We turn our TVs on and there's another so-called secret to losing 10lbs. We check our spam folders, and we have porn advertisers asking you to have a “good time”. 

Sexuality has become so normal that it’s lost it's beautiful meaning. The meaning that sex is a sacred act between two consenting people that are in love.  That our inner selves are being connecting to another soul. 

The only thoughts girls now have during the act is “

I wonder if i look hot from this angle? Can he see my dimples from this side? Should I turn the lights off?”

The most frustrating part of the situation is that we women did and continue to do this to ourselves. We allowed to be judged physically and be viewed as trophies.

I find it comical when men say that they prefer “natural beauty”. Half the time they don't know what is natural and what is fake. Technology has now made it nearly impossible to tell the difference. They claim to love this “inner beauty” but how many big breasted women and voluptuous models do they follow on social media? Men are visual creatures so when its out there, its only normal to look. Yet- its hypocritical to allow women to think they really feel that way when the truth is on their feed. 

I’ve recently been over-evaluating the expectations that society has on women. We are expected to grow up with the mentality that we need to take care of your man or your a failure. That your house needs to be spotless with a home-cooked meal and laundry stored away or you're a slob. We must maintain a full time job to help with bills and yet get our ten thousand steps in and maintain a good figure.

I, for one, like to me mentally stimulated. I like to read my news articles. I like to watch my documentaries. I struggle with the social norms and wanting to be myself. 

In the age where our friends are buying the new influencer makeup palettes, I long for a conversation that doesn't involve us comparing celebrity styles, where we don't have to get wasted to enjoy each other's company. I feel like I have to dumb myself down to fit into a norm that unknowingly, I helped create. I admittedly also read on the celebrity articles and new beauty hacks. 

Because of my recent struggle with acceptance of female expectations, I deleted celebrity news outlets and unfollowed anybody that made me feel that I needed to be or look a certain way. I need to remove those things from my life or I’ll always feel like i’m failing.

haikus

All highs become lows. a temporary retreat. the come down will hurt.

 Poison is a liar. deceiving one then all. Stay away from liars.

the right way

the mystery and excitement of fortune telling has always intrigued me. although, i hate to admit that i've gone to three of them in my life- its even worse to admit that i would do it again. it amazes me the "power" or the "wisdom" of knowing what i've done and where im going. like a reassurance. i'm aware that bible- believers critize and think it blasphemy- but this weekened i had one of my random thoughts. in what way does God assure us that we are going the right way? so many times in bible stories or just in every day life God "tests" or faith by doing things to make us feel like questioning. I know that if i had a kid, i wouldnt take him to a top of a mountain and sacrifice him for a voice i would hear out of thin air. id check myself into a looney bin. How does God show us the way?

doggies

So i've noticed for a while now how people love and care for their puppies like if they were kids. i tried having one recently and it would be selfish of me to keep it. I just dont have the time to care for it. I'm never at home. the closest thing i had was Sasha and she was amazing, i recently tried finding her and I didnt have any luck. watching a show about having to put their dog down brought up the reason that i dont want one. i know that theyre not going to last. they have to die and i just dont want to be a part of that or have those feelings. i tend to further myself from people that i know are going to leave. i tried to stay away when both my grandfathers got sick. it might have seemed that i didnt care, but that wasnt the case. i dont want to feel that pain. ultimately, it doesnt matter what others feel about your actions or feelings. its your life and your feelings. distancing myself is a way that i cope (i.e. Chihuahua) focusing your life on something else is what i believe a healthy way of dealing by not dealing. if that makes any sense.... if it doesnt- it does to me.

Blind Love

My plot for today was going to be about a man falling in love with a woman, even though he was blind. I thought about all the beautiful qualities that he could have fallen for: her smell, her soft skin, her voice- maybe the way she cared for him and nurtured a blind man- companionship that let his imagination roam as if he could see the world. That would have been too easy- i tried to think about it as a blind woman. What about a man would make me fall in love with him. If it were not for the security, the attraction, the sex… what is there? What makes a woman fall in love with a man or what makes a woman fall in love is when a man makes her feel like there are no other woman in the room, if there are- they aren't worth looking at. His time would be better spent staring at a girl, longing for her. This sounds so unlike anything that i would ever try to argue about, but I don't think a man could fall in love with a blind girl- at least not for more than a few months. That's my negative talk- maybe ill have my romantic blind man story some other time.

Short Story intro

“Just a small town girl, living in a lonely woooorld…” SLAM!!! Another fucking morning. “I really need to change that alarm song” he tells Kelli as she turns away from him. “Good morning to you too” he says as he grudgingly gets up for another day of work. He scrambles to find something to wear, not because he doesn't have clean clothes, but because he rotates the same 4 shirts on a weekly basis. He sits there staring at his dreaded face until his 8am alarm starts playing- the time he should be at work. He still takes his time changing and brushing his teeth. He puts cologne on before giving his wife a kiss, maybe it'll rise a little attention from her but nada. “Have a good day sweetie.” He says a little prayer while making his way to work, at this time, it's mainly out of habit-he takes the 30 minute drive to the 10 hour work day. At this time, he doesn't even remember what goes through his mind on the drive, same thing every day. As he scans his key to enter his cubicle, he starts getting phone calls. “Can’t they fucking wait” but to their defense he's late. He reaches for his drawer and pops half an Adderall, who is he kidding, he takes the other half ten minutes later. He's noticed that one pill has sneakingly turned into three daily. Fuck it, lets mix it with a Lortab.